Position:
Mom
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed
for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work various hours,
which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some
overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends
and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue
repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from
zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are
not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen
phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and
organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to
be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product
safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must
always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor
maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the
same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your
skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest
thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could
only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no
paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for
personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
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